TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY

Since today is my birthday, I figured, why not OWN it! So here is a list of things I aim to do today on my birthday. I hope it inspires everyone to do the same on their birthday.

TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY

1. Wake my wife up this morning by whispering a creepy falsetto rendition of "Happy Birthday to me!"

2. Drink an ounce of beer for every year I've been alive.

3. Go to Disneyland without my kids. Then take pictures and show them later.

4. Whenever a "cast member" wishes me a happy birthday, respond with "Fuck Yeah...oh ho ho fuck yeaaaah."

5. Go to the Carnation Baby Center at the end of Main Street and request my complimentary birthday breast-feeding.

6. Play my electric guitar and then kick something over- preferably something unbreakable.

7. Point out to someone that I've survived on this world longer than Jesus did, again.

8. Demand my wife jump out of a cake in her birthday law-suit. (she's a lawyer) HIGH-HAT!

9. Accuse some kid, probably one my own, an ungrateful whipper snapper- because really, I had it tougher.

10. Force my wife to applaud and encourage others to applaud after everything I say.

LAUGHLIN.

So we said goodbye to Williams, AZ and drove through Bullhead City to Laughlin Nevada. Why on earth would we go to Laughlin? Because it has the Colorado River, of course!

Honestly, there's not much to point out about Laughlin...except that every square foot of the place was crawling with old people. And it's one thing if this was a spot where old people were having fun. But nobody was having fun. Nobody was smiling or cheering or looking around with glee. All the old folks were just "there." It made me think of a pretty good slogan for Laughlin:

"Laughlin. Because you gotta do something to pass the time until you die..."

And then I thought maybe this is like Pinnochio... maybe young people go into Laughlin, but the experience turns everyone into an oxygen mask wearing, rascal driving octogenarian with a virgin daiquiri in one hand and a fistful of nickels in the other. Then again, maybe this is just where old people pass the time...until death says Peek-a-boo.

So after a fantastically repulsive lunch, we headed to the water for an hour long cruise on the Colorado. It was both informational AND fun. Both the girls were given the chance to steer the boat. Charlie kept the craft going straight as an arrow. Chase, on the other hand, took great efforts to turn the steering wheel left and right as much as she could. The boat, under her command, was zig-zagging, and our salty, booze swilled captain actually chuckled that he thought Chase was trying to run us on the rocks!

When Chase was done, Charlie asked her why she was trying to make the boat go so crazy, and Chase answered very sincerely, "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A BIG STEERING WHEEL!"

Anyhoo, they both got a certificate for driving the boat on the Colorado River, and we happily, and sweatily, trudged back to our car and headed home.

Home is a nice place to be...until the next adventure calls.

UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE USED FOR SOUP BASE

The Dodge Four woke up early at the Grand Canyon Railway Hotel in order to walk over to Route 66, where there was a fine Country Diner that served some pretty intimidating Huevos Rancheros and Biscuits and Gravy - as well as had this wonderful warning hanging overhead. Once stuffed like all the taxidermy that adorned every other store front in Williams, it was time to head for our train.

AHHH. But before the train, was a old western shootout. The premise: Outlaws aim to rob the tourists...and it was up to the Sheriff to prevent that with some accurately projected hot lead. The baddies went down as hard as a country pun- and we took pictures with them and their horses afterward.

After that it was ALL ABOARD! The trip from Williams to the Grand Canyon was about two hours. The train itself only went about 45 miles an hour so all the scenery was soaked in good and long. Every train car had its own tour guide of sorts, and ours was a bubbly gal from Connecticut with an accent by way of Minnesota. She had so much zeal for herself and the Grand Canyon and the train itself I was convinced she had some sort of brain damage. I know Tiffany would say that's just being cynical, and I have to admit that by the end of the trip I came to admire her, in a way, but the first few miles of the train ride I was pretty sure I was being held hostage.

The tour guide had this painted on smile and severe, buoyantly blond bangs and was U-P!!! I only saw her crack once when an old Armenian tourist was talking too loud while she was talking, and she intensely leaned down to him without losing an inch of smile and said, "I'm Sorry AM I INTERRUPTING YOUR CONVERSATION?" I highly doubt the Armenian man knew what she said, because honestly none of us had a clue we were in store for a blow by blow commentary of our trip, but she happily went back to telling us about how she loves to eat her lunch and watch the tourists and squirrels and the Grand Canyon and encouraged us to confront anyone we saw littering. Ultimately, to her credit, she realized her car was about fifty percent full of Armenian Tourists, so she graciously handed over the PA to the tour guide to ensure that everyone knew what was what with the Grand Canyon and the squirrels and confronting the litterbugs. I think it was a big moment for her.

A bit later a singing Cowboy armed with a fistful of harmonica, a pocketful of puns, and an accordion ambled into our car. He quickly became irritated at some of the older folks who were trying to get around him to get to the bathroom. Finally, he just turned to one of the passers-by and said sternly, "I'm trying to do my thing here." In fact, I think he might have cut his little show short as punishment, because I could swear I saw him in the car in front of ours a bit longer. But that's okay, because he was selling mini harmonicas for five bucks. Guess which two little girls on the train each got one? Guess... guess... go ahead... guess...

Finally the train pulled into the Grand Canyon Station. After we lathered up every mortal surface with sunblock we took our first look at the Grand Canyon.

It feels silly to try to explain how beautiful that vastness was. The sky was bursting at the seams with blue and every crag and crevice looked far away and close all at the same time. It's a similar feeling you get when you are lying under the night sky in the desert. Your brain can barely keep up with what your eyes are taking in. Ultimate beauty. Instant love. Like most naturally beautiful things, it's something that humans had no part in creating, and we can only stand there and stare, like the monkeys we all actually are, and always will be.

One of the coolest things about where we were is that there were many places that had no walls or boundaries at all. Just precipice. I think this is important and I hope this never changes no matter how many jackasses stumble off to their deaths because of it. Why? Because it's a good reminder that not everything can be human-proofed.

When Chase and I saw such a spot, we couldn't resist walking right up to the edge for a photo. Charlie wanted zero part in that nuttyness. You see that small bit behind us...those brave few inches...that's it. Past that is nothing but sky below. I told Chase that we went right to "the edge" together. Hell, everyone finds themselves at the edge at some point. Why not do it at your choosing?

It didn't take long before the girls fell in love with the local army of Tassle-eared Squirrels. And I have to say I'm not a superfan of squirrels. I think in general squirrels are the thug breed of the rodent kingdom. If they could talk I'm positive they'd be little foul-mouthed gangsters that if ever graced with opposable thumbs would quickly grow an appreciation for switchblades.

However, the Grand Canyon Clan of Squirrels, probably due to generations plentiful food, are very friendly. I even saw one of these merry creatures happily sitting on the lap of a tourist enjoying a tasty treat. Of course, you're not supposed to feed the squirrels. But then you're not supposed to swear and pick our nose in public either, but we all know how that goes.

At the gift shop I was delighted to find that they sold those nifty little keychains that had a single view of the Grand Canyon you could bring along with you wherever you go- a single viewmaster-type doodad. I bought one for each of the girls. Of all the chochky sold at the gift shop, I knew these would bring the biggest delight, and they did. The below photo was dreamed up by Charlie. Looking at the Grand Canyon while looking at the Grand Canyon...

I need to point out that we vacationed with the First Family. Here's a photo I took...

...from the AP website.

I was looking forward to running into the First Family and becoming fast friends. We'd all want to get in out of the heat and lunch together - the four girls at one table and Barack, Michelle, Tiffany and I at another. The girls would expound on Spongebob Squarepants while we'd have much Sangria...

Unfortunately, they chose to visit an area that was coincidentally closed off and guarded by the secret service- and we did not. Oh well. But hey! The Dodge Family and the Obama Family shared the same two mile radius with each other at the exact same hour of day. One day the Obama girls might even tell their grandchildren about it.

All in all our visit to the Grand Canyon was brief. Not even a full day, really. But it's funny how it doesn't take long to collect memories which will carry on for life. The first time your eyes see something. The feeling of your daughter's little hand in yours while you walk along. Bits of frayed conversation. A dog wearing a hat. The smell of your girl's hair that's been sweetened by the baking sun. Brief snippets of happiness that will be recalled and relied on for much, much longer than it took to gather them. The dimensional physics behind memories are miraculous and will never be figured out, thank goodness.

Walking away from the Grand Canyon was hard. I wanted to stay longer, with no real agenda in mind. But the train was punctual, we were warned. We boarded with only four minutes to spare before the train left the station.

The train ride back, I have to say, was very special. For some reason our enlivened tour guide started to grow on me. And a different singing cowboy came and sang Elvis standards, which always brightens my mood.

And then low and behold, the girls look out of the train car window only to see MASKED COWBOYS ON HORSEBACK WITH THEIR GUNS DRAWN!!!

THEN THE TRAIN STOPS!!!

We were being robbed. The girls excitedly clambered about in their seats, their noses pressed against the window to see where the train robbers had gone. Mom dutifully gave them each a dollar so that they could be properly robbed once our train car was boarded.

The masked gunmen came barreling in....posed for photos...and modestly robbed all kind donors...then headed to the next car. THANKFULLY THOUGH THE SHERIFF WAS IN HOT PURSUIT. He was happy to oblige all photo requests, first. He actually asked Charlie to take a picture with him, as you'll see below. But he didn't ask Chase...I'm sure she was rooting for the outlaws, anyway!

By the time the robbery was over, our journey on the great iron horse was near an end. So nice. At one point Chase came over and buried her head in Tiffany's stomach. "Good Times." she said with a hug, then she scampered back over to where Charlie was sitting. So sweet. I hope the girls remember that day even better than I do.

That night we got our kicks back on Route 66! There was yet another outlaw shootout in the streets. Before the show one of the outlaws suddenly pulled out a bullwhip and cracked it right in front of Chase, who was so excited that she was standing all by herself up ahead. When the whip broke the sound barrier about twenty people all around jumped. I might have seen a slight jump in Chase's shoulders, but I'll be damned if that little girl didn't budge at that sudden, jarring act. She held her ground, and stayed where she was.

After the last glorious and gag-filled shootout, we engorged on BBQ and listened to some great live music at the Route 66 Diner. Oh BBQ, I am your bitch!

Finally we all went back to the hotel room and after a good washing we ended up watching TV. Charlie was hoping Seinfeld was on again. She had caught the Toothbrush Episode the night before and decided she must see more...but alas..only Boston Legal was on.

Soon enough we all fell asleep. The next morning was our journey back...

BUT THE FUN WASN'T OVER, OH NO!!!

Stay tuned...

Meteor Crater

Right now as I type this it is Monday night, about 10:30. A few hours ago the Dodge family returned from our weekend getaway in Arizona. We hit the Grand Canyon. I was originally planning on blogging the two nights that we were out of town, but our hotel- the Grand Canyon Railway Hotel- essentially had few amenities more modern than the Grand Canyon itself. Ok ok. The hotel did actually have wifi, but only in the hotel lobby, and I like to blog in my underwear, and those are not the sights other visitors come all the way out to Arizona to see.

We left first thing Saturday morning. I have to point out as mundane as it sounds there is a joy I get during morning departures such as this one with my family. The quick drive through McDonald's...me driving as Tiffany divies out the McMuffins and milk and tea...everyone eating and thinking about what lies down the road. Those moments are actual gems to me. So we boogied as fast as we could to magical Barstow. We arrived there the moment the outlet stores opened. That was nice. After some shopping and moseying about we all clambered back into the wagon and hit Highway 40, which runs parallel to the old Route 66. I have to admit Route 66 looks twice as fun, with its flirty hills and windy curves. But if we took 66, we'd still be on our way to Arizona...

We stopped for lunch in Kingman, AZ, at MR. D'z (apropos) route 66 diner. Charlie claims their hot dogs are the best she's ever had - EVER. And Charlie's had a lot of hot dogs in her young age, so if anyone would know it's her. We grubbed and sundaed and then hopped back in the car, because we needed to make it to THE METEOR CRATER.

Any further description of the Meteor Crater would sort of be redundant. It's a giant meteor crater! I figured once Charlie saw the city sized hole in the ground and then read all the literature explaining what caused it she'd get a little worried that more meteors could hurdle our way, and she did. When we reached the top lip of the crater the winds were whipping us from every side. Chase loved the notion that we were so high up and that the wind was making everyone teeter hither nither, to her it was high comedic adventure. Charlie not so much.

But the eye of the prize for Charlie was the gift shop. The meteor crater gift shop sells minerals and gems and all sorts of rock samples and Charlie very slowly went through everything there was for sale. (Charlie loves rocks and minerals and gems.) She even came upon fossilized dinosaur poop. I think Tiffany picked it up without first reading what it was, which made it all the funnier. No matter how many times Charlie and I explained to her it stopped being "poop" millions of years ago...she still was looking around for her Purell.

So, in the end, Charlie bought two dinos carved out of soap stone and Chase bought a bag of polished rocks. Then we turned and headed back to our stop for the night, Williams - the gateway to the Grand Canyon. Why is Williams the Gateway to the Grand Canyon even though it is sixty miles away? Because they said so.

I'm just going to pretend that I'm writing this last Saturday, so you'll have to read about what happens at the Grand Canyon tomorrow...tomorrow.

Now we come home...video added

Man...it's late.  I shouldn't even be up right now typing this because of how early we are having to wake up tomorrow to catch our flight back to Los Angeles.  But I know once I get home I'm not going to want to do this because then my head will be on things to do in Los Angeles... so...

The reason why I had to wake up so early yesterday was because I had to get tickets to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing.  It's where they make our money.  The tickets are free but are distributed on a first come first serve basis.  The ticket office opens up at 8 am.  So, naturally people begin lining up at 6 am.  Well, I did my part.  I pried myself out of bed and taxied myself over there...I got there at 630 am.  And there were already thirty people waiting!  The wait was worth it and the tour was very unique and interesting.  Watching millions of dollars being printed is something you can't do every day so...

We rounded yesterday off by hitting the Smithsonian Museums of Natural History and Air and Space.  What great Museums.  I think both Charlie and Chase enjoyed both very much.  I think they both liked the Museum of Natural History a wee bit more because of the butterfly exhibit.  (See video.)  However, at the Air and Space Museum they have converted the old cafeteria style commissary to a McDonald's slash Boston Market "McTreat" station.  Hmmm.... McTreats... So we did what any red blooded Americans would do, we stared at some space suits and then scampered over for McDonald's ice cream and McFlurrys.

Last night was the second night we visited with Helen and her Husband Hartmut and their daughter Sophie and Helen's mother.  We enjoyed every minute and I know that the girls really loved playing with Sophie.  

Today we kept it pretty simple.  Ford's theater and then the White House.  The weather was very hot here today.  We were all melting.  We couldn't get in to Ford's Theater because they were preparing to do a show.  That whole area, if you ask me, is the trappiest of all D.C.  It seems a bit wrong to peddling toddler shirts with designs that have teddy bears with Lincoln beards in the very building that Lincoln was assassinated in.  But maybe I'm just too darn sentimental.  Money money money.

I'm sad to say that we ended up NOT able to get a White House tour.  Our Congressman's pull just wasn't strong enough to get us in...the waiting list is six months long.  But we walked around and looked from the outside as best we could.  It looks quite comfortable.

We did see massive lines winding around the back block of the White House...and heard from a cab driver that Obama had decided to open up the White House to the public for today and tomorrow...but those lines were so long, and the heat was so bad here, that is just wouldn't have been worth it.  

Finally, this evening we visited with Tiffany's former co-worker at the Ninth Circuit, Theo, and his wonderful family.  Theo has two girls in the same orbital age as Charlie and Chase, so it was a grand old time.  You'd think Charlie and Chase had never seen other kids their age before.  By the end of the night Charlie was exchanging emails with her new friends.  

...And now, everyone is asleep but me.  I type this to the pleasant sounds of three people, who have had two very busy weeks, trying their best to recover.

Tomorrow...we come home.  We miss you all and can't wait to see you. 

The video will be up on Youtube shortly...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X-ym79sM88

Washington D.C.

My fellow Americans, this will be short.   I need to rush off to bed because tomorrow I've gotta get up before dawn to go over to the... I'll just explain tomorrow...

But superquick...

Tiffany has fallen under the sword of the head cold, and is fighting a noble and valiant battle.  Early today, though, she did have to retreat from the Capitol Building tour back to the hotel.  But take heart, I think her Snottysburg Address that was made later in the afternoon was most stirring...and she should prevail victorious by at least tomorrow afternoon. 

While at the Supreme Court giftshop, Chasie insisted on buying a little pewter gavel.  I asked her why she liked it and what it was for.  She said it's what the judges use to hit stuff with when they're angry.  Awwwwwwwww.  All evening she's been banging it on tables and yelling "Order!  Order!  Order to go!"  That may very well be the next step in this great experiment we call democracy:  due process and faster take out all in one amendment.

We visited Tiffany's friend Helen's new home just a few miles away from the capitol.  I'm in love with it.  I want to elope with the house.  It's the exact house you see in your head when you think "happy childhood."  (and the basement looks exactly like the one in That 70's Show!)  

Finally, I don't think the videos that I've been making can be seen through the posting on facebook...so if you haven't gone over to my blog directly then you wouldn't know they were there... I think... anyway, I've also pasted my latest video on youtube.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40EzLS5t7TI

Good night.

Washington D.C.

Well, it's been two days here in our nation's capitol, and let me tell you.  I'm wet.  No, I'm not talking about my eyes from pride, although I am feeling a strange amount of that right now...no...IT'S RAINING ELEPHANTS AND DONKEYS OVER HERE!!!  Cold and damp and deluge and plops without any fizzesses.  

Yesterday we tackled the mall.  The layout of everything is so smart and beautiful.  The war memorials heartbreaking.  I actually looked around at some nearby space and wondered if that's where the next one or two will be erected.  A damn shame to even ponder that.

Yesterday marked the 144th anniversary of the assassination of Lincoln, which made visiting the Memorial all the more cool.  I don't think I've ever shared this with anyone but I've always held an interest in Lincoln.  If any of you want to read a total kickass book, pickup MANHUNT: the 12 Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer, by James L. Swanson.  It's a brilliant and breathtaking account of what happened 144 years ago.  But I digress.

Today we visited the new SPY MUSEUM.  It was interesting, though maybe a bit disorganized.  It claims all things in it were actual devices and techniques used by spies, but then right smack dab in the middle of the exhibit is a James Bond car.  So, maybe it was all just tourist trap stuff.  

After that we stopped by the National Museum of Portraits.  Gorgeous.  I was in awe to see so many portraits I had only seen in crummy textbooks before.  The unfinished portrait of Washington.  The profile portrait of Lincoln that the penny is based on.  I think Charlie got a lot out of that stop.

After that we made a pass through the Museum of American History.  At some point in that last fifteen years they've completely redone it.  There is a very gripping exhibit on...Lincoln's life.  They actually had the white towel that General Lee had carried when he arrived to negotiate the surrender of the South.  I was jabbering silly when I saw that.  So cool.

But honestly, aside from the Lincoln exhibit, the rest of the Museum felt very slapped together and unfinished.  So much more can be done with it.  There was a room maybe slightly larger than my office called "Thanks for the Memories."  It had Seinfeld's shirt, the Ruby Slippers from the Wizard of Oz, Sid Caesar's hat, Oscar the Grouch and Kermit, and some sports uniforms.  Really?  That's all the Museum of American History has to say about the mediums it either created or perfected?  Or even just about American pop culture?  A bit abbreviated, no? Maybe in time improvements will be made.

Although one totally rad item they were showcasing was the actual flag that inspired THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER.  After I walked through the viewing room I wanted to run back in and with a baritone voice sing "AND THE FLAG WAS STILL THERE..." but my wife saw the look in my eyes, pursed her lips and shook her head "No."  I slouched my shoulders and we walked off to go look at the old steam engine exhibit.

Our last stop of the day was to the National Archives to take a peek at the Declaration of Independence and Constitution and Bill of Rights.  This is what the trip has been mainly about for me.  I think these three documents represent some of the greatest heights of mankind.  The line to get in was forever and in the rain.  Once out of the rain, the security was as thorough as in an airport.  Once inside the belly of the archives all you could hear was the security guard endlessly blowing his whistling and screaming at the top of his voice at the swarms of high school kids that had been bused in to please stop acting like utter jackasses.  Now, I can't speak for every teen in the world, but judging from the bus load after bus load of teenagers I've encountered so far in D.C., I really advocate just locking a person up for their entire teenage stage of life.  Outside of school, just lock them in a room with their favorite things:  a computer so they can share their newly discovered wit with peers, a television and a mirror.  I think this would be beneficial to both the teen and the rest of the world.  I think it would have made me a better person, and I've already started designing my girl's teen prisons.  Frankly, I have no idea why these kids are even here to begin with.  Not a single one has looked at all interested in what they are looking at or what they are doing.  I'm not expecting them to be in awe...but don't they have to- at the very least- be AWARE of where they are?  There are just these hordes of kids everywhere sitting on floors and flirting and screaming and posing and phoning and texting and jumping on each other's backs and pouting and hugging each other and doing everything but what I thought a person could do best after taking the trouble to get to Washington D.C.- look around!  Please America, stop busing your kids to Washington!  A bus full of teenagers doesn't improve any mood, environment or situation.

By the way, I was still totally geeked at seeing the old documents.  They are all really faded and kept in the chambers of gas that glow green...

When Tiffany and I decided to bring the girls on this trip I immediately started trying to picture what it would be like.  The one thing I never imagined was all the opportunity for great conversation with the girls that we've had.  We're not forced to jam in conversation over a bath or dinner or shoehorn a talk in before bedtime or school time.  We are actually talking.  And Washington offers so much to talk about!  This has been great.  I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.